Sunday, December 17, 2017
Breakdown to 5K - Part 4 - The BEST Part of the Story!
When watching a movie or reading a good book, we all want a happy ending. We want to see the guy get his girl, the heroine save the world and the lonely heart find true love. In the midst of my breakdown I was desperately praying for a happy ending. I wanted to be "well" again. Notice that I didn't say "happy"? Even in the midst of dark days, I knew that a life of complete happiness was not possible or even promised. What I craved and wanted was a life that knew when emotions wavered, the peace of God could prevail. With all humility and profound praise I can share that I received my happy ending and give God ALL the glory.
I can look back at the time and now see the purpose for the pain. I can see God's hand throughout the dark days and can even say "thank you" for the refiners fire. I now know what it means to experience God in an intimate and personal way. I now know how it feels to allow friends and family to "carry you" and love beyond measure. I now know what it feels like to have a void shaped liked God and the foolishness of trying to numb the pain.
I now know what it feels like to trust and obey. It feels freeing!
My idol has been shattered and replaced with eternal things from God and His desires for me. Do I still struggle with depression and anxiety? At times I feel like it is trying to rear it's ugly head but with God's grace and strength I have a plan of attack.
I hope to share this plan and the tools in my arsenal on this blog at a later time. Today is about saying two things:
1) Nothing is impossible with God!!!
2) Trust and obey...there really is no other way.
The day before the 5K I needed to know that God was "in" this race and sharing my story was from Him. I prayed that He would reveal Himself to me with my bib number. Sounds silly but I needed to hear from Him in a way that was personal and only I would understand.
HE did...
My bib number was 123. Tears welled up when I realized the significance. My healing process came as I stepped out on faith and took it one step a a time.
I took step 1, then step 2 and then step 3.
I am not sure what steps 4 through gazillion will look like, but I do know that I will prayerfully obey and follow.
God has made it clear that a huge part of my future ministry will be walking alongside those that are struggling with anxiety and depression. If this is you, let's do this together one step at a time.
Are you ready?
Tuesday, December 05, 2017
From Breakdown to 5K Part 3 - An Idol in the Breaking
An idol can be a costly thing. It can cost you financially, personally,
emotionally and spiritually. What is an
idol? I found the following definition on the internet:
an image or
representation of a god used as an object of worship.
a person or thing that is greatly admired,
loved, or revered.
Here is my definition:
-
Anything that
separates Joy from God! Anything that
gives Joy what she should only be seeking from God.
An idol isn’t always tangible like a car, expensive items or a home. I feel that the most dangerous idols are
those that you cannot see like a profession, a relationship, ambition, or even
ministry.
Whenever I share my
story, I am sometimes asked what I feel triggered my breakdown. Let me first say that from my personal experience, depression and anxiety can be triggered or brought on by various things. (life experiences, traumas, chemical imbalances , etc) I am not a clinician or doctor and can only speak from what I know. My response when asked is the following:
I HAD AN IDOL in my life.
Let me begin by saying
that details of the idol are not important and I have chosen not to share in
great detail on this blog for several reasons.
First being I don’t want to create confusion. What I feel was my idol is something that
many of us have in our lives and it is usually not a destructive thing. I also want to be sensitive to others and not
hurt anyone in the process. Lastly, the "what" isn’t as important as you may think, what
is important is the restoration process and giving God ALL the glory. I will say that nothing about my idol was
immoral, unethical, illegal or inappropriate.
Six months before my
world went out of control, I heard a gentle whisper from God reminding me
that I was treading on dangerous ground spiritually. This wasn’t new to me. I began to see a change in myself and a
restlessness that was unsettling. I excused
the feeling away and convinced myself that I was doing ok and that it was handled. The sweet gentle voice continued to remind me
and I soon stopped listening. We often
think that our ways are best. How stupid
of me. Who can argue with God and believe they know better.
I begin recognizing
subtle reminders from family and friends that I had changed and not in a good
way. People that have the right to speak
truth into me were honest and I tuned them out as well. Pride got in the way and I acknowledged their
care and stayed on this dangerous path.
Let me stop and say something that I shared in part 1….God always gets
His way.
Miserable months went
by and I began to finally realize something had to change . Something needed to be different but I wasn’t sure
the what or the how. I did what I would
recommend everyone do when they are feeling this way. Spend time in prayer and seek the counsel of others. Their honest critique and loving counsel opened my eyes to what I already knew.
I knew what is wrong
in my life….I had an IDOL.
There was no longer
any doubt. I had something that was
giving me everything that only God could give me.
I knew what I had to
do. I had to “lay it down.” It was time to stop the charade of pretending that
I had it all figured it out and that I could maintain a healthy spiritual
life while clinging to a false god. I vividly remember the evening that
I decided to lay it down. There was
finally an inner peace and an emptiness at the same time. I went to bed that night emotionally
exhausted and scared. The question that
was spinning through my mind was “how do I rebuild?”
I would love to be
able to write that an instant transformation came over me and I awoke to a new
life. Nope!
What happened was the
opposite. As I wrestled throughout the night with my thoughts
and God I decided that now was maybe not the time.
That with some minor changes, I could compromise and keep the idol in my
life and still please God. Decision was
made and I was continuing my ways with small adjustments.
What followed was
scary, unexpected and needed….God took it away.
God removed the idol without my approval. He removed it suddenly. God always gets His way.
As I look back I know
that it would have pleased God if I had been spiritually mature enough to
remove it myself. As a parent, it is
always rewarding when a child realizes what they did was wrong before we have
to step in and give correction and discipline.
I feel it is the same with God but He loves me enough to intervene. Thank you God!
It reminds me of a
time when I was speaking to a drug addict and begging her to allow me to drive
her to rehab. She wanted so much to get
clean but didn’t have the inner strength to take the first step. I will never forget when she told me she was hoping
to get arrested so she would be forced to detox in jail. When she shared that with me, I suddenly
understood what she meant. I didn’t have
the strength to do what I needed to do.
The following weeks
were challenging. I didn’t realize how
much I gained from what I had laid down.
I prayed for immediate answers from God and often felt He was being
silent. I was frustrated and confused
and very uncomfortable. Pruning times
are always painful but necessary. This
was taking a little longer then I wanted and I did what is a never good idea…I
disobeyed God. I rationalized my thoughts and picked up my idol again. For a brief moment, it felt right and
normal. Voids were being filled again
and purpose returned.
How sad. How sad that I thought I knew better than the
one that created me. How sad that I
thought my humanness knew better than the divine. In my stubborness God had to do
the following to get my attention.
He broke me!
This was November 3,
2016. The day that I went to bed. (continued)
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