Breakdown to 5K - Part 4 - The BEST Part of the Story!

When watching a movie or reading a good book, we all want a happy ending.  We want to see the guy get his girl, the heroine save the world and the lonely heart find true love.  In the midst of my breakdown I was desperately praying for a happy ending.  I wanted to be "well" again.  Notice that I didn't say "happy"? Even in the midst of dark days, I knew that a life of complete happiness was not possible or even promised.  What I craved and wanted was a life that knew when emotions wavered, the peace of God could prevail. With all humility and profound praise I can share that I received my happy ending and give God ALL the glory.

I can look back at the time and now see the purpose for the pain. I can see God's hand throughout the dark days and can even say "thank you" for the refiners fire. I now know what it means to experience God in an intimate and personal way. I now know how it feels to allow friends and family to "carry you" and love beyond measure. I now know what it feels like to have a void shaped liked God and the foolishness of trying to numb the pain.

I now know what it feels like to trust and obey.  It feels freeing!

My idol has been shattered and replaced with eternal things from God and His desires for me.  Do I still struggle with depression and anxiety? At times I feel like it is trying to rear it's ugly head but with God's grace and strength I have a plan of attack.

I hope to share this plan and the tools in my arsenal on this blog at a later time.  Today is about saying two things:

1)  Nothing is impossible with God!!!
2)  Trust and obey...there really is no other way.

The day before the 5K I needed to know that God was "in" this race and sharing my story was from Him.  I prayed that He would reveal Himself to me with my bib number. Sounds silly but I needed to hear from Him in a way that was personal and only I would understand.

HE did...


My bib number was 123.  Tears welled up when I realized the significance.  My healing process came as I stepped out on faith and took it one step a a time.

I took step 1, then step 2 and then step 3.

I am not sure what steps  4 through gazillion will look like, but I do know that I will prayerfully obey and follow.

God has made it clear that a huge part of my future ministry will be walking alongside those that are struggling with anxiety and depression.  If this is you, let's do this together one step at a time.

Are you ready?

From Breakdown to 5K Part 3 - An Idol in the Breaking

An idol can be a costly thing.  It can cost you financially, personally, emotionally and spiritually.  What is an idol? I found the following definition on the internet:

    an image or representation of a god used as an object of worship.

  a person or thing that is greatly admired, loved, or revered.

Here is my definition:

-       Anything that separates Joy from God!  Anything that gives Joy what she should only be seeking from God.

An idol isn’t always tangible like a car, expensive items or a home.  I feel that the most dangerous idols are those that you cannot see like a profession, a relationship, ambition, or even ministry.

Whenever I share my story, I am sometimes asked what I feel triggered my breakdown.  Let me first say that from my personal experience, depression and anxiety can be triggered or brought on by various things. (life experiences, traumas, chemical imbalances , etc)   I am not a clinician or doctor and can only speak from what I know.  My response when asked is the following:  

 I HAD AN IDOL in my life.

Let me begin by saying that details of the idol are not important and I have chosen not to share in great detail on this blog for several reasons.  First being I don’t want to create confusion.  What I feel was my idol is something that many of us have in our lives and it is usually not a destructive thing.  I also want to be sensitive to others and not hurt anyone in the process. Lastly, the "what" isn’t as important as you may think, what is important is the restoration process and giving God  ALL the glory.  I will say that nothing about my idol was immoral, unethical, illegal or inappropriate.

Six months before my world went out of control, I heard a gentle whisper from God reminding me that I was treading on dangerous ground spiritually.  This wasn’t new to me.  I began to see a change in myself and a restlessness that was unsettling.  I excused the feeling away and convinced myself that I was doing ok and that it was handled. The sweet gentle voice continued to remind me and I soon stopped listening.  We often think that our ways are best.  How stupid of me. Who can argue with God and believe they know better. 

I begin recognizing subtle reminders from family and friends that I had changed and not in a good way.  People that have the right to speak truth into me were honest and I tuned them out as well.  Pride got in the way and I acknowledged their care and stayed on this dangerous path.  Let me stop and say something that I shared in part 1….God always gets His way.

Miserable months went by and I began to finally realize something had to change .  Something needed to be different but I wasn’t sure the what or the how.  I did what I would recommend everyone do when they are feeling this way. Spend time in prayer and seek the counsel of others.  Their honest critique and loving counsel opened my eyes to what I already knew.

I knew what is wrong in my life….I had an IDOL.

There was no longer any doubt.  I had something that was giving me everything that only God could give me.

I knew what I had to do.  I had to “lay it down.”  It was time to stop the charade of pretending that I had it all figured it out and that I could maintain a healthy spiritual life while clinging to a false god.  I vividly remember the evening that I decided to lay it down.  There was finally an inner peace and an emptiness at the same time.  I went to bed that night emotionally exhausted and scared.  The question that was spinning through my mind was “how do I rebuild?”

I would love to be able to write that an instant transformation came over me and I awoke to a new life.  Nope!

What happened was the opposite.  As I wrestled  throughout the night with my thoughts and God I decided that now was maybe not the time.  That with some minor changes, I could compromise and keep the idol in my life and still please God.  Decision was made and I was continuing my ways with small adjustments.

What followed was scary, unexpected and needed….God took it away.  God removed the idol without my approval.  He removed it suddenly. God always gets His way.

As I look back I know that it would have pleased God if I had been spiritually mature enough to remove it myself.  As a parent, it is always rewarding when a child realizes what they did was wrong before we have to step in and give correction and discipline.  I feel it is the same with God but He loves me enough to intervene.  Thank you God!

It reminds me of a time when I was speaking to a drug addict and begging her to allow me to drive her to rehab.  She wanted so much to get clean but didn’t have the inner strength to take the first step.  I will never forget when she told me she was hoping to get arrested so she would be forced to detox in jail.  When she shared that with me, I suddenly understood what she meant.  I didn’t have the strength to do what I needed to do.

The following weeks were challenging.  I didn’t realize how much I gained from what I had laid down.  I prayed for immediate answers from God and often felt He was being silent.  I was frustrated and confused and very uncomfortable.  Pruning times are always painful but necessary.  This was taking a little longer then I wanted and I did what is a never good idea…I disobeyed God. I rationalized my thoughts and picked up my idol again.  For a brief moment, it felt right and normal.  Voids were being filled again and purpose returned.

How sad.  How sad that I thought I knew better than the one that created me.  How sad that I thought my humanness knew better than the divine. In my stubborness God had to do the following to get my attention.

He broke me!

This was November 3, 2016.  The day that I went to bed. (continued)

From Breakdown to 5K (Part 2)

To accurately share my story, I need to turn back about 10 years.  I remember feeling that my emotions were all over the place.  As women, we tend to blame many things on hormones and the dreaded word "menopause."  Doctors have graciously identified three important seasons in a woman's life - "perimenopause", "menopause" and "post menopause".  I have labeled them as follows: hot, hotter and hottest.  Not only do we experience internal temperature changes but a roller coaster of emotions come with each season.  I truly feel that Cedar Point should call their next ride the "Menocoaster".  Only women can ride and pity the fool that tries to cut in line.

I have a vivid memory of sitting around the kitchen table frustrated by a minor incident that caused a voice inside me to say "flee".  I am not sure if this was the Holy Spirit or my  worn out guardian angel but the advice was good and timely.  I was being told to "leave the room before you say something you can't take back."  I was obedient, sent myself to my room and flopped myself down on my bed in tears.  Another thought entered by mind.  Again...I am not sure where it came from but this time it was a name. The name of a lovely woman that I knew from church.  It was strange that her name popped into my head, but my inner whisper had been on point so I didn't argue.  I picked up the phone and dialed the woman's number.  "This is Joy Trachsel from church" I said, "I am not sure why but your name came to mind and I feel like I was supposed to call you."  She asked what was going on and the floodgates opened.  I shared about my emotions, anxiety and occasional depression.  This one-sided conversation lasted for at least 10 minutes as this godly woman listened.  When I finished pouring out my heart and emptying my tears, she said two words that changed everything... "me too".  She said,  "I know why God had you call me...I have been there."  She shared her story, prayed with me and closed our conversation with some very comforting words..."I will walk this journey with you."  Her words were not empty promises, but began a commitment that she has never failed to honor. She shared deep spiritual words and some very practical advice that I followed to a "tee". 

I can't express how great it felt to know that I was not alone.  How about you?  What are you choosing not to  share because you are afraid of what others will say, think or do?

Let me encourage you with a phrase that I share often when I speak:

"Yesterday's pain is tomorrow's ministry"

The years that followed were more manageable and calmer.  They weren't without ups and downs but nothing like November of 2016  (to be continued)

From Breakdown to 5K (Part 1)

From Breakdown to 5K (Part 1)

One of my favorite stories in the Bible is found in 1 Samuel.   The story involves a battle that was won and a monument built as a reminder.  I don’t know about you but I often need reminders of God’s faithfulness. I tend to forget the many times God brought me through dark times and places.  I forget how He is true to His Word when He says He will never forsake us.  Let me take a moment and shout from the “proverbial” mountain top.  THIS IS TRUE.

Details will follow at another time, but one of the darkest times of my life began on November 3, 2016 and lasted longer than I approved.  It is almost difficult to admit and type these words, but on that date, I began suffering what I know to be a mental breakdown.  I went to bed at noon on November 3^rd and didn’t move for 30 hours.  When I finally did arise, it was only for a short time. Several weeks staying in bed followed and I saw no end to the pain and depression.   My only mental view was a dark hole where happiness seemed non-existent. The emotional pain was like nothing I have experienced and my cries out to God seemed to be unheard.  I plan to share details about this at another time, but today I am about looking ahead and not back.

Today is about me sharing how I plan to place my “Ebenezer Stone” and declaring the goodness of God. 

Let me explain.

I often look back at that time and can’t believe how difficult it was.  It took some time before I even wanted to talk about it.  That changed when I began to share pieces of my story with others and they began to see hope for their mental struggle.   I knew that God was nudging me to share more and to be vulnerable and authentic.  Just a tip…God always gets His way…and it is always good.

I wanted to celebrate this victory over darkness in a way that would only bring Him glory.  So here is what I will be doing on November 12^th (Lord and body willing)

17th Annual 5k Gallop for Children 

So why a race?  I have asked myself that very question since August.  The race was originally going to be a time for us to do something fun as a family.  In the middle of my training, God reminded me of the importance of the date.  One year ago, from the day of the race, I was not moving at all, let alone running. My shades were drawn and my only view was the dark hole and my bedroom ceiling. 

My view on the 12^th will be polar opposite which is what I desire from now on.  To be out of bed a year later is an accomplishment but I wanted it to be more than my original life.  I wanted it to be more and different.  The race is exactly what I want as a representation of where He has me now.  I want to always be stretching myself and never being satisfied with whom I was but who He wants me to be.  I want to always finish the race that He has before me.

So…Lord willing I will finish the 5K but either way…I will celebrate His goodness.

I ask for your prayers as I hopefully bring Him glory and inspire others struggling with mental illness.

The Time Is Now!

Have you ever had God prompt you to do something and you continued to ignore His voice?  If we were honest, we would all say yes.  We can find excuses, justify our busy schedules and find many reasons to tell God no.  We refuse out of fear, doubt and insecurity.  In the past four months, I have heard from God in a very clear way.  I can't explain it away, refuse the calling and say no.  Through a difficult journey, that I will share in time, I truly learned what it means to have intimacy with God.  Let me say this...it is hard, uncomfortable and beautiful.

Over and over again, God has said "the time is now." 

To be continued....

What Happened To My Nest?

My nest is empty!  How can that be?  For the past 30 years, there has been a child or teen in our home.  There has always been a bookbag by the front door, heap of towels in the bathroom and an array of cars in the driveway.

As we approached this new season, I would put up a good front and brag how excited I was to become the proverbial "empty nester".  I relished in the future of being spontaneous and abandoning the phrase" what will the kids do."  The idea of not having to cook every night and looking forward to the occasional dinner of Captain Crunch seemed freeing and cheaper.  I pictured myself rarely doing laundry and always being able to watch "my show".

This fantasy quickly ended the day we unpacked number 4 and assembled our last dorm futon.  I remember pulling away from the campus wishing the newest coed at Case Western would stop growing up.  I realized at that point...this was our new normal.

As the days went by, I felt like I was finding my way and adjusting fairly well...until...we ordered take out.  I almost lost it with the delivery person when it hit me that the order was much smaller than normal. Or the day I went grocery shopping and didn't need the full cart, but one of those cute little baskets was enough. It felt odd not having to navigate the squeaky wheeled cart but walking  the store looking like Dorothy as my basket dangled from my arm.

I began to realize that many, many moms have walked this journey and survived, so I quickly became a student and asked lots of questions.  Their stories were often humorous and at times tearful.  There was a common thread in the midst of the varied responses...they survived and were still smiling.  They didn't fill the void with another child, cats, shoes or cute puppies (that thought crossed my mind). They relied on God.

Number 4 has been gone for almost two months, and I have adjusted to my "new normal".  I haven't joined an empty nest support group, turned into a cat lady or stalked him on snapchat.  What I did do, was pray and ask God to reveal His plan.

To everyone that is about to experience this new season, I offer you the following advice.  Stay away from animal rescue shelters and be encouraged with the following:

1)  Let your self grieve.  It is okay to acknowledge that you are not okay.  Allow yourself to be emotional about your children growing up. We did our jobs by keeping them alive and now it is time for the world to benefit from our hard work.

2)  Take this time to evaluate your marriage.  My husband and I spent time taking an inventory of our marriage and setting goals.  We began to quickly see the benefit of it just being the two of us. In the past six weeks, we have visited a winery, planned a camping trip, tried new restaurants and attended a Browns game.

3)  Make sure you fill the void with appropriate things.  My husband and I both have fulfilling jobs that we enjoy very much.  It would be very easy for us to become workaholics.  We had to set professional boundaries and keep each other accountable.

4)  Ask God how He wants you to use your extra time and resources.  Just because our schedules looked a little more free, it didn't mean that we should say "yes" to everything.  My husband and I saw this new season as a time to redefine our ministry commitments.  We decided to continue to serve as we did before, but to seek an opportunity to intentionally serve together.  For example, my husband has always volunteered in youth ministry with each of our children.  His passion for youth doesn't have to end.

5) We can now be more intentional with each child.  What a blessing it is to visit with  each of our out of town children more often and pour into them alone.  Don't get me started on the grandchildren!

6) Let your children know that you are fine.  I often forgot that as my world began to look different, their world was changing as well.  Just as I needed to know that they were fine, they needed to know that mom and dad were okay as well.

7)  Don't rush into the remodel.  I once heard how upset  a child was when she saw how quickly her parents dismantled her room.  This may vary from family to family, but we have always decided that our children had their room until they officially moved out on their own.

Each day comes with new observations and adjustments and I now welcome this new season.  Change can be hard but change can also be fun.  Embrace each day and praise God for His plan.

That's all for now. It is time to go seek the next adventure and maybe cook dinner.

A Time To Rebuild

Less than 24 hours into our vacation, we received notice that while we were nestled in a cozy cabin in Gatlinburg, our home in Ohio was a mess.  A toilet malfunctioned and water seeped down two stories causing extreme damage. After processing the shock and helplessness, our first reaction was to cut the trip short and head home.  Deeply disappointed and concerned we didn’t think there was any other way to respond.  God had a different plan. Friends, family and our insurance company stepped up and what seemed dire now seemed hopeful.

We put our trust in others and decided to stay. Pictures were sent and reports were filed but neither could give us a complete analysis of what was waiting for us at home.  I began to visualize the impact and dreaded seeing it in person.  God was so faithful and lifted this burden allowing us to have a phenomenal vacation.

As we left our safe mountain sanctuary, I began to allow fear and anxiety to creep into my mind.  Thirty minutes from home, I began to feel physically nauseous as I prepared myself to walk into a home in chaos.  I began to pray and suddenly felt not just His promised peace, but His sweet words. The following phrase began running through my mind…

          It’s good to rebuild…It’s good to rebuild…It’s good to rebuild

It reminded me of what happens when a record is scratched and the same part of the song continues over…and over…and over again.

I knew that God was speaking about more than my home.  As I prayed and had an intimate conversation with my Lord, He revealed that “rebuilding” needed to take place in other areas beyond my physical home.

          I needed to “rebuild” my trust in Him.

          I needed to "rebuild: relationships that were collapsing.

          I needed to “rebuild” my prayer life.

          I needed to rebuild my faith.

He reminded me that when the contractors come into our home, they will have plan.  They won’t just begin sporadically hanging drywall and painting walls…they will have a blueprint, a supply list and helpers.  The same thing that all “rebuilds” need.

As I sit in a home with partial flooring, exposed ceiling beams and a refrigerator that almost sits in my den…I am grateful.  I am grateful for a God that loves me enough to help me through the "rebuilding " moments in  my life.

He's the best Contractor!