An idol can be a costly thing. It can cost you financially, personally,
emotionally and spiritually. What is an
idol? I found the following definition on the internet:
an image or
representation of a god used as an object of worship.
a person or thing that is greatly admired,
loved, or revered.
Here is my definition:
-
Anything that
separates Joy from God! Anything that
gives Joy what she should only be seeking from God.
An idol isn’t always tangible like a car, expensive items or a home. I feel that the most dangerous idols are
those that you cannot see like a profession, a relationship, ambition, or even
ministry.
Whenever I share my
story, I am sometimes asked what I feel triggered my breakdown. Let me first say that from my personal experience, depression and anxiety can be triggered or brought on by various things. (life experiences, traumas, chemical imbalances , etc) I am not a clinician or doctor and can only speak from what I know. My response when asked is the following:
I HAD AN IDOL in my life.
Let me begin by saying
that details of the idol are not important and I have chosen not to share in
great detail on this blog for several reasons.
First being I don’t want to create confusion. What I feel was my idol is something that
many of us have in our lives and it is usually not a destructive thing. I also want to be sensitive to others and not
hurt anyone in the process. Lastly, the "what" isn’t as important as you may think, what
is important is the restoration process and giving God ALL the glory. I will say that nothing about my idol was
immoral, unethical, illegal or inappropriate.
Six months before my
world went out of control, I heard a gentle whisper from God reminding me
that I was treading on dangerous ground spiritually. This wasn’t new to me. I began to see a change in myself and a
restlessness that was unsettling. I excused
the feeling away and convinced myself that I was doing ok and that it was handled. The sweet gentle voice continued to remind me
and I soon stopped listening. We often
think that our ways are best. How stupid
of me. Who can argue with God and believe they know better.
I begin recognizing
subtle reminders from family and friends that I had changed and not in a good
way. People that have the right to speak
truth into me were honest and I tuned them out as well. Pride got in the way and I acknowledged their
care and stayed on this dangerous path.
Let me stop and say something that I shared in part 1….God always gets
His way.
Miserable months went
by and I began to finally realize something had to change . Something needed to be different but I wasn’t sure
the what or the how. I did what I would
recommend everyone do when they are feeling this way. Spend time in prayer and seek the counsel of others. Their honest critique and loving counsel opened my eyes to what I already knew.
I knew what is wrong
in my life….I had an IDOL.
There was no longer
any doubt. I had something that was
giving me everything that only God could give me.
I knew what I had to
do. I had to “lay it down.” It was time to stop the charade of pretending that
I had it all figured it out and that I could maintain a healthy spiritual
life while clinging to a false god. I vividly remember the evening that
I decided to lay it down. There was
finally an inner peace and an emptiness at the same time. I went to bed that night emotionally
exhausted and scared. The question that
was spinning through my mind was “how do I rebuild?”
I would love to be
able to write that an instant transformation came over me and I awoke to a new
life. Nope!
What happened was the
opposite. As I wrestled throughout the night with my thoughts
and God I decided that now was maybe not the time.
That with some minor changes, I could compromise and keep the idol in my
life and still please God. Decision was
made and I was continuing my ways with small adjustments.
What followed was
scary, unexpected and needed….God took it away.
God removed the idol without my approval. He removed it suddenly. God always gets His way.
As I look back I know
that it would have pleased God if I had been spiritually mature enough to
remove it myself. As a parent, it is
always rewarding when a child realizes what they did was wrong before we have
to step in and give correction and discipline.
I feel it is the same with God but He loves me enough to intervene. Thank you God!
It reminds me of a
time when I was speaking to a drug addict and begging her to allow me to drive
her to rehab. She wanted so much to get
clean but didn’t have the inner strength to take the first step. I will never forget when she told me she was hoping
to get arrested so she would be forced to detox in jail. When she shared that with me, I suddenly
understood what she meant. I didn’t have
the strength to do what I needed to do.
The following weeks
were challenging. I didn’t realize how
much I gained from what I had laid down.
I prayed for immediate answers from God and often felt He was being
silent. I was frustrated and confused
and very uncomfortable. Pruning times
are always painful but necessary. This
was taking a little longer then I wanted and I did what is a never good idea…I
disobeyed God. I rationalized my thoughts and picked up my idol again. For a brief moment, it felt right and
normal. Voids were being filled again
and purpose returned.
How sad. How sad that I thought I knew better than the
one that created me. How sad that I
thought my humanness knew better than the divine. In my stubborness God had to do
the following to get my attention.
He broke me!
This was November 3,
2016. The day that I went to bed. (continued)
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