When watching a movie or reading a good book, we all want a happy ending. We want to see the guy get his girl, the heroine save the world and the lonely heart find true love. In the midst of my breakdown I was desperately praying for a happy ending. I wanted to be "well" again. Notice that I didn't say "happy"? Even in the midst of dark days, I knew that a life of complete happiness was not possible or even promised. What I craved and wanted was a life that knew when emotions wavered, the peace of God could prevail. With all humility and profound praise I can share that I received my happy ending and give God ALL the glory.
I can look back at the time and now see the purpose for the pain. I can see God's hand throughout the dark days and can even say "thank you" for the refiners fire. I now know what it means to experience God in an intimate and personal way. I now know how it feels to allow friends and family to "carry you" and love beyond measure. I now know what it feels like to have a void shaped liked God and the foolishness of trying to numb the pain.
I now know what it feels like to trust and obey. It feels freeing!
My idol has been shattered and replaced with eternal things from God and His desires for me. Do I still struggle with depression and anxiety? At times I feel like it is trying to rear it's ugly head but with God's grace and strength I have a plan of attack.
I hope to share this plan and the tools in my arsenal on this blog at a later time. Today is about saying two things:
1) Nothing is impossible with God!!!
2) Trust and obey...there really is no other way.
The day before the 5K I needed to know that God was "in" this race and sharing my story was from Him. I prayed that He would reveal Himself to me with my bib number. Sounds silly but I needed to hear from Him in a way that was personal and only I would understand.
HE did...
My bib number was 123. Tears welled up when I realized the significance. My healing process came as I stepped out on faith and took it one step a a time.
I took step 1, then step 2 and then step 3.
I am not sure what steps 4 through gazillion will look like, but I do know that I will prayerfully obey and follow.
God has made it clear that a huge part of my future ministry will be walking alongside those that are struggling with anxiety and depression. If this is you, let's do this together one step at a time.
Are you ready?
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