So I had today off...substitute teachers rarely work the day before a break. I was excited to have a day to myself to finish up Christmas preparations and enjoy a quiet house. Then it dawned on me...Alex had a class Christmas party today. I told myself that I really should try to go and help with the party. But what about my free day? What about all the projects that I wanted to work on...in a quiet house. I told Alex that I would see him at his party later and guess what? He told me I didn't have to come. He actually encouraged me not to come. First I was quietly offended. Did he not want me there? Was he scared that I would embarass him or wear a tacky Christmas sweater? Then I felt a wave of relief come over me. Actually...I felt mom guilt escape my body. I counted this evening that I have probably been to over 75 class parties. Here's the math:
4 parties a year for 7 years equals 28 parties from kindergarten to 6th grade.
28 parties times 4 children equals...112 parties.I estimate that I have attended and brought something to at least 3/4's of the parties...so 75 is a conservative estimate. Today...I skipped number 76! Did I feel guilty...for a moment.
Don't get me wrong...I think that it is very important to be actively involved in your child's class...but out of want...not guilt.
I spent part of my free time in target today surrounded by moms who looked stressed, anxious and at times mad. There wasn't a single mom smiling. Each had a lengthy list and took great enjoyment in checking things off. This actually made me sad until I turned the corner...literally and figuratively. There, in front of me, was a special needs class shopping with their teachers. Guess what? They were smiling, they were having fun, they had the Christmas spirit, they were full of joy.I just sat and watched them. They smiled, they laughed...they enjoyed Christmas.
Today also reminded me that sometimes Christmas isn't always the "happiest time of the year." I know a family who will celebrate Christmas this year without their son. He was only in his 20's and died this year. I know that many families will be celebrating a "leaner" Christmas because of job loss. I know that some families will have an extra seat at the table because of a feud or argument.
We receive cards and Christmas letters in the mail from families that seem to have "it all." We look at their Norman Rockwell family and want what they have.
We may question God and be envious of what seems like a "perfect life."
A friend recently told me about a speaker that spoke at her church and she shared that "pain is pain." Your pain may not seem as monumental as your neighbor's...but pain is pain.
It's hard sometimes to be open and vulnerable with people and let them see that we are experiencing hardships as well. It's especially hard this time of year when we are striving to have the perfect tree, the perfect gift and the perfect Christmas.
Honestly...it's been a hard month for me. Doors have closed that I truly wanted to open. I've been told no much more than I desired. Today...I was angry...I was angry at God. I called out to Him with tears desiring answers and explanations. I wanted to be happy...like the people in the cards and on the commercials. I wasn't...but I don't think God is really concerned right now whether I am happy...He wants me to be faithful and obedient...and right now...that seems impossible.
So what do I do? I don't run to Dairy Queen (yes, I almost did) I run to His word...I run to wise counsel...but I don't run from him.
Today...I am glad that I skipped party number 76...there will be others...at least 4 more.
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